Page Turners...Structure, a Secret to Pace

Page turners, those books that readers love, come from balance between four elements:

1. Great plot,
2. Compelling characters,
3. Strong story-telling, and,
4. Writing structure/pace.

This blog discusses number 4, "Writing structure and how it enhances pace."

Consider the following excerpt.

     Footprints showed in the morning dew on my lawn, one set leading to my daughter's window and another back to the sidewalk. She had not been imagining that face several times recently. "I'm sorry, Emma. You're right." I felt terrible for doubting her, much less for telling her so.
     "It's okay, daddy." She took my hand and gave it a forgiving squeeze. Her head tipped to one side coming gently to rest against my arm. What a wonderful child, I thought.
     I called the police and took numerous pictures of the footprints from a distance to preserve evidence in case cops arrived after the dew evaporated.
     Police still had not shown up an hour later, and rising sun made short work of the moisture on the grass. "Honey," I called to my nervous wife on the porch, "call the cops again, and find out how much longer until they get here." She went into the house with an exasperated huff. I was sure they were about to get an earful.
     Police arrived just as she returned, and I quickly explained my concern about the stalker with an obsession toward my daughter. "Officer, kids in the neighborhood call him 'Wacky Willie' because he talks to himself all day long down in the park by the school."

That scene mixes dialog and narrative in larger paragraphs. I see writing like this all the time, occasionally even in New York Times Bestselling novels. Can a writer build strong characterization and tension in this way? Sure, but I believe it could be much better if the dialog and narrative are featured separately.

Narrative is best for building scenes while dialog drives plot and enhances tension. When dialog is buried inside paragraphs that are primarily narrative, it loses some of its impact on readers. It also creates longer paragraphs leaving less "white space" on each page. Empty space helps readers to turn more pages per hour giving an impression of a fast-moving story.

Here is the same excerpt from above restructured to add white space and to isolate dialog for greater impact.

     Footprints showed in the morning dew on my lawn, one set leading to my daughter's window and another back to the sidewalk.
     "I'm sorry, Emma. You're right."
     She had not been imagining that face several times recently. I felt terrible for doubting her, much less for telling her so.
     "It's okay, daddy," Emma said as she took my hand and gave it a forgiving squeeze.
     Her head tipped to one side coming to rest against my arm.
     What a wonderful child, I thought.
     I called the police and took numerous pictures of the footprints from a distance to preserve evidence in case the cops arrived after the dew evaporated. Police still had not shown up an hour later, and rising sun made short work of the moisture on the grass.
     "Honey," I called to my nervous wife on the porch, "call the cops again, and find out how much longer until they get here."
     She went into the house with an exasperated huff. I was sure they were about to get an earful. Police arrived just as she returned.
     "Officer, kids in the neighborhood call him 'Wacky Willie.' He talks to himself all day long down in the park by the school."
     I quickly explained my concern about the stalker with an obsession toward my daughter.

The reconstructed excerpt reads as a fast-paced story. Page after page of easy reading like this makes the reader feel as if the story is a "page turner." Assuming that plot tension, character development and story-telling are good, this last structural adjustment can turn a great story into a word-of-mouth best-seller.

What do you think about separating narrative and dialog?